All life is searching
Outward
Outward
Finding people
Finding places
Findng things
The short lived joy
These discoveries may bring,
Do not provide the answer
To life's suffering.
Times passes
Once years
Now decades
Still searching,
Then resigning
To something missing
Undefined
Unknown
Wisdom slowly gained
Says, "Turn inward"
Be the seeker
Be the answer
Claim your destiny
From the dellusions
Of the material world
A lifetime wasted
No -
A life gained.
It takes the journey
To realize
All is at home
It takes the doing
To realize
Only being matters
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Thoughts on the passing of a wonderful person.
Today I learned that my High School music teacher had passed away last November. She had had MS for many years but ultimately died of cancer. This caused me to return to memories of my teenage years - a miserable time except for the ray of light provided by a certain music teacher.
I was 14 when she came to our school. I had already taught myself to play the guitar and was on my way to becoming the next Joan Baez!! It was the latter part of the 60s, we all sang protest songs, put flowers in our hair and dreamed of going to San Francisco. I was a sorry depressed teenager, failing in school, with a miserable home life and few friends. The messages I received from every angle were ones of not reaching my potential; I didn't even know what that was, and had very little reason as so why should I aim for it.
She overheard me playing one day at recess and told me that she wanted to start a folk choir but needed someone to teach guitar. I agreed, as any excuse to play the guitar on school time was cool with me, and it meant that I had a reason to stay after school and delay going home.
She made music so much fun. She seemed genuinely interested in me and that in turn made me want to achieve. I was like a sponge that could never soak up enough water. My every spare minute was spent hanging around the music room. By 16 I could think of nothing else that I would rather do with my life than to be a music teacher just liked her. By 18 I had mastered the basics of the piano, the clarinet and the recorder, the latter of which has brought a lifetime of friends and enjoyment.
I spent 4 years in college following the music teacher dream. I loved my college years, and I did teach for 2 years, but it was not for me. My life took another direction and I have very few regrets. What she had given me was belief in myself, and with that the whole world was at my command. To instill good self-esteem in a child is the greatest gift that you can give them. I owe my life to a talented teacher who happened to cross my path. I am grateful that I had the chance to tell her as much in some brief correspondence that we exchanged a year or so ago.
I thank you Lynda P. from the bottom of my heart. Rest in peace.
I was 14 when she came to our school. I had already taught myself to play the guitar and was on my way to becoming the next Joan Baez!! It was the latter part of the 60s, we all sang protest songs, put flowers in our hair and dreamed of going to San Francisco. I was a sorry depressed teenager, failing in school, with a miserable home life and few friends. The messages I received from every angle were ones of not reaching my potential; I didn't even know what that was, and had very little reason as so why should I aim for it.
She overheard me playing one day at recess and told me that she wanted to start a folk choir but needed someone to teach guitar. I agreed, as any excuse to play the guitar on school time was cool with me, and it meant that I had a reason to stay after school and delay going home.
She made music so much fun. She seemed genuinely interested in me and that in turn made me want to achieve. I was like a sponge that could never soak up enough water. My every spare minute was spent hanging around the music room. By 16 I could think of nothing else that I would rather do with my life than to be a music teacher just liked her. By 18 I had mastered the basics of the piano, the clarinet and the recorder, the latter of which has brought a lifetime of friends and enjoyment.
I spent 4 years in college following the music teacher dream. I loved my college years, and I did teach for 2 years, but it was not for me. My life took another direction and I have very few regrets. What she had given me was belief in myself, and with that the whole world was at my command. To instill good self-esteem in a child is the greatest gift that you can give them. I owe my life to a talented teacher who happened to cross my path. I am grateful that I had the chance to tell her as much in some brief correspondence that we exchanged a year or so ago.
I thank you Lynda P. from the bottom of my heart. Rest in peace.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Thoughts for the changing of the year
"The qualities we possess should never be a matter for satisfaction, but the qualities we have discarded." (Wei Wu Wei)*
In recovery programs they talk about "defects of character"; with a New Year just turned, many think of resolutions often related to things about ourselves or our situation, that we do not like. I don't make resolutions because I believe that is a set up for failure and yet more dissatisfaction with one's lot in life.
A couple of years ago I made a resolution to do more for the planet - this is the only one I have ever kept. I figured deciding to "do" something, rather than to stop doing something, stood a better chance of success.
So this year my aim is to do more to improve my knowledge of Buddhist studies and gain some guidance in meditation. As I am building on something that I have already set in place I feel pretty good about this.
My partner and I continue with our seemingly endless desire to rid ourselves of "stuff". Have you noticed the regenerative ability of "stuff"?? We call our spare room "the black hole" because it seems to draw "stuff" into any vacant spot within! I consider the only failure is to give up - so we keep on emptying "stuff" out and giving "stuff" away!
Even with arthritis trying to take over my fingers, I am appreciative of the new lease on life that my surgery of last year, has given me. For almost a year up to that point, my life was on hold and my health slowly degenerating - now I am renewed! The reward? A trip to Oahu in February - a first for both of us.
So, the words from Wei Wu Wei (aka Terence James Stannus Gray 1895 - 1986) are wise indeed: do not concern yourself with what you have, look to what you need to give away. Other wise people have said that we can only keep what we have by giving it away. Such are my thoughts in these troubling times.
*('Fingers Pointing Towards the Moon' (Routledge and Kegan Paul, 1958)
In recovery programs they talk about "defects of character"; with a New Year just turned, many think of resolutions often related to things about ourselves or our situation, that we do not like. I don't make resolutions because I believe that is a set up for failure and yet more dissatisfaction with one's lot in life.
A couple of years ago I made a resolution to do more for the planet - this is the only one I have ever kept. I figured deciding to "do" something, rather than to stop doing something, stood a better chance of success.
So this year my aim is to do more to improve my knowledge of Buddhist studies and gain some guidance in meditation. As I am building on something that I have already set in place I feel pretty good about this.
My partner and I continue with our seemingly endless desire to rid ourselves of "stuff". Have you noticed the regenerative ability of "stuff"?? We call our spare room "the black hole" because it seems to draw "stuff" into any vacant spot within! I consider the only failure is to give up - so we keep on emptying "stuff" out and giving "stuff" away!
Even with arthritis trying to take over my fingers, I am appreciative of the new lease on life that my surgery of last year, has given me. For almost a year up to that point, my life was on hold and my health slowly degenerating - now I am renewed! The reward? A trip to Oahu in February - a first for both of us.
So, the words from Wei Wu Wei (aka Terence James Stannus Gray 1895 - 1986) are wise indeed: do not concern yourself with what you have, look to what you need to give away. Other wise people have said that we can only keep what we have by giving it away. Such are my thoughts in these troubling times.
*('Fingers Pointing Towards the Moon' (Routledge and Kegan Paul, 1958)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Today is Veterans Day. In England this is known as Poppy Day. Everybody buys and wears a poppy as a sign of support. The money goes to the various veterans charities. So many of the younger generation do not even know why Veterans Day is on November 11th or have heard of Flanders. If we do not study history we are doomed to repeat it - we must be very poor students.
President Washington said: "It is our true policy to steer clear of permanent alliance with any portion of the foreign world.... " We revere Washington but we don't listen either. WWI was supposed to be the war to end all wars.
"Give me the money that has been spent in war and I will clothe every man, woman, and child in an attire of which kings and queens will be proud. I will build a schoolhouse in every valley over the whole earth. I will crown every hillside with a place of worship consecrated to peace. " ~Charles Sumner
As of yesterday there were a total of 4,193 recorded dead in Iraq and 626 in Afghanistan. It has cost close to $600 billion and yet we change the channel on our TV preferring to watch another brainless soap rather than watch the realities of our young men and women dying. Bush has kindly spared us pictures of coffins coming home, or countless damaged bodies in the VA hospitals, or grieving families at the graveside. We are fed a diet of implied terror and yet no reports of anyone caught or tried.
Now we will have a new President, and hope arises such as we have not seen in many years. Let us hope that this current war will also become a faded memory, but we must never forget to honor the memory no matter how faded.
In Flanders Fields
by: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army
In Flanders Fields the poppies grow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead.
Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
President Washington said: "It is our true policy to steer clear of permanent alliance with any portion of the foreign world.... " We revere Washington but we don't listen either. WWI was supposed to be the war to end all wars.
"Give me the money that has been spent in war and I will clothe every man, woman, and child in an attire of which kings and queens will be proud. I will build a schoolhouse in every valley over the whole earth. I will crown every hillside with a place of worship consecrated to peace. " ~Charles Sumner
As of yesterday there were a total of 4,193 recorded dead in Iraq and 626 in Afghanistan. It has cost close to $600 billion and yet we change the channel on our TV preferring to watch another brainless soap rather than watch the realities of our young men and women dying. Bush has kindly spared us pictures of coffins coming home, or countless damaged bodies in the VA hospitals, or grieving families at the graveside. We are fed a diet of implied terror and yet no reports of anyone caught or tried.
Now we will have a new President, and hope arises such as we have not seen in many years. Let us hope that this current war will also become a faded memory, but we must never forget to honor the memory no matter how faded.
In Flanders Fields
by: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army
In Flanders Fields the poppies grow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead.
Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
The Times they are A-Changin'
The election has come and gone. A landslide. Could 30 years of Reaganomics finally be over? This country is on it's knees. Basic wages do not even cover the rent for a small apartment, while CEOs pay themselves millions in bonuses The banks have played upon the less aware and sold them interest delayed mortgages which, when the interest kicked in after a few years, they could no longer afford, left them homeless, and wrecked their credit. While hardworking people are destroyed, the banks get bailed out. What is wrong with this picture? Why do we stand by and let it happen? Why are we not rioting in the streets? Have we become so demoralized that we believe we no longer have a voice?
While relieved about the end of the Bush era, and hopeful of change, the cloud over it all for me was the passing of Prop. 8 in California - eliminating the right of gay people to marry. I had faith in the people of California, and I believe it was not misplaced; but when other States' entities interfere - Focus on the Family from Colorado, the Mormon Church from Utah - the balance was tipped. So, this evening I did something that I had not done since my student days of the 70s, I went out on the streets of my hometown and I protested. Hopefully the issue will return to the State Supreme Court to be settled on the side of equalty once again.
"Come gather 'round people wherever you roam, and admit that the waters around you have grown, and accept it that soon you'll be drenched to the bone if your time to you is worth savin', then you better start swimmin' or you'll sink like a stone for the times they are a-changin'." Bob Dylan Copyright ©1963; renewed 1991 Special Rider Music.
While relieved about the end of the Bush era, and hopeful of change, the cloud over it all for me was the passing of Prop. 8 in California - eliminating the right of gay people to marry. I had faith in the people of California, and I believe it was not misplaced; but when other States' entities interfere - Focus on the Family from Colorado, the Mormon Church from Utah - the balance was tipped. So, this evening I did something that I had not done since my student days of the 70s, I went out on the streets of my hometown and I protested. Hopefully the issue will return to the State Supreme Court to be settled on the side of equalty once again.
"Come gather 'round people wherever you roam, and admit that the waters around you have grown, and accept it that soon you'll be drenched to the bone if your time to you is worth savin', then you better start swimmin' or you'll sink like a stone for the times they are a-changin'." Bob Dylan Copyright ©1963; renewed 1991 Special Rider Music.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Sweet Melissa
On the night of Saturday 29th the normally peaceful Griffith Park in Hollywood exploded to the sounds of the awesome Melissa Etheridge rocking her heart out for nearly 3 hours. This lady sings my very soul not to mention, my life.
From childhood: "mama I'm strange...I'm just an accident"
To teenage years: "as you pray in your darkness for wings to set you free, you are bound to your silent legacy"
To angry young adult: "take a walk inside my shoes, a path I didn't choose, spend the night inside of my skin"
To an emerging realization: "there's no one to hear you might as well scream, they never woke up from the American dream, and they don't understand what they don't see, and they look through you and they look past me..."
To the first real love: "and when you make the choice to believe in your existence, with hello you will know when you find the one"
To an understanding of what you face: "Showers of your crimson blood seep into a nation, calling up a flood of narrow minds who legislate thinly veiled intolerance, bigotry and hate. We all gasp this can't happen here we're all much too civilized where can these monsters hide? But they are knocking on our front door, they're rocking in our cradles, they're preaching in our churches, and eating at our tables..." "10:03 on a Tuesday morning in the fall of an American dream a man is doing what he knows is right on flight 93... Even though he could not marry or teach your children in our schools, because who he wants to love is breaking your God's rules... Can you live with yourself in the land of the free and make him less of a hero than the other three?"
To a belief in what is right: "Marching to their drum with fear standing beside...Cause by cause they fight and one by one they lose...Rip through the wire that screens in my window, throw open the shade that covers my mind, I'm going to touch I've got to believe, the bell tolls for me... I want to testify..."
To the belief in me: "You tried to hold us down, you tried to hold us back, you tried to make us wrong, you tried to make us crack. You wanted to see us cry, you wanted to see us leave, you didn't count on the tide, you didn't count on the pride, you didn't count on me. I am a giant, and you will not make me fall, and you will not make me crawl. I am a giant, and I'm not alone, winds of change have blown, and walls come tumbling down. And I learned from my mistakes, pick myself up off the floor, I have learned just what it takes, now I am stronger than before; and we are standing side by side, we are determined now to win, we've come too far, and we've got the scares, and we are never going back into the shadows again..."
To a spiritual awakening: "Oh, people, c'mon tell me where is your Kingdom of Heaven? Where is your faith? Where do you put your fear? Do you have a price for truth and a price for believing, when heaven is here, heaven is here. My God is love, my God is peace, my God is you, and my God is me"
With Proposition 8 looming like a dark cloud on the horizon, I have to put my faith in the people of California that they will rise up against ignorance, fear, bigotry and hate and make the right choice.
(All quotes are lyrics of Melissa Etheridge)
From childhood: "mama I'm strange...I'm just an accident"
To teenage years: "as you pray in your darkness for wings to set you free, you are bound to your silent legacy"
To angry young adult: "take a walk inside my shoes, a path I didn't choose, spend the night inside of my skin"
To an emerging realization: "there's no one to hear you might as well scream, they never woke up from the American dream, and they don't understand what they don't see, and they look through you and they look past me..."
To the first real love: "and when you make the choice to believe in your existence, with hello you will know when you find the one"
To an understanding of what you face: "Showers of your crimson blood seep into a nation, calling up a flood of narrow minds who legislate thinly veiled intolerance, bigotry and hate. We all gasp this can't happen here we're all much too civilized where can these monsters hide? But they are knocking on our front door, they're rocking in our cradles, they're preaching in our churches, and eating at our tables..." "10:03 on a Tuesday morning in the fall of an American dream a man is doing what he knows is right on flight 93... Even though he could not marry or teach your children in our schools, because who he wants to love is breaking your God's rules... Can you live with yourself in the land of the free and make him less of a hero than the other three?"
To a belief in what is right: "Marching to their drum with fear standing beside...Cause by cause they fight and one by one they lose...Rip through the wire that screens in my window, throw open the shade that covers my mind, I'm going to touch I've got to believe, the bell tolls for me... I want to testify..."
To the belief in me: "You tried to hold us down, you tried to hold us back, you tried to make us wrong, you tried to make us crack. You wanted to see us cry, you wanted to see us leave, you didn't count on the tide, you didn't count on the pride, you didn't count on me. I am a giant, and you will not make me fall, and you will not make me crawl. I am a giant, and I'm not alone, winds of change have blown, and walls come tumbling down. And I learned from my mistakes, pick myself up off the floor, I have learned just what it takes, now I am stronger than before; and we are standing side by side, we are determined now to win, we've come too far, and we've got the scares, and we are never going back into the shadows again..."
To a spiritual awakening: "Oh, people, c'mon tell me where is your Kingdom of Heaven? Where is your faith? Where do you put your fear? Do you have a price for truth and a price for believing, when heaven is here, heaven is here. My God is love, my God is peace, my God is you, and my God is me"
With Proposition 8 looming like a dark cloud on the horizon, I have to put my faith in the people of California that they will rise up against ignorance, fear, bigotry and hate and make the right choice.
(All quotes are lyrics of Melissa Etheridge)
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Thoughts Throughout the Summer
July 31st '08
Reigning Myself In
And so I find myself once more angry at the system for which I work instead of focusing on the task in hand and letting go of the things beyond my control. I get caught up in the mounting stress and frustration of those around me, and I allow it to infect me.
Again I need to real in my boundaries, return my focus to making my immediate surroundings conducive to calm, completing a day's work and allowing the dysfuntional dinosaur to go about it's business. It will do this whether I invest my emotions or not.
I need to return to my daily meditations, I need to exercise and I need to focus on what matters to me in my immediate world. It is going to take great strength of mind and character for me to continue on this path that I have set for myself, without destroying myself in the process.
August 3rd '08
Sadness & Relief
I saved a baby this week, it served to remind me why I do what I do.
The baby had suffered a broken collar bone when she fell from a bed where she had been left while the Mom went to do drugs. Usually the Mom would have been the person that I worked with in a never-ending attempt to turn one more life around - not this time.
That was the saddest baby I had seen in a long time. At one year old she wasn't yet crawling, she did not smile, she made no eye contact and did not respond to attempts to engage her. At least now I can let her out of my mind knowing that she is with a special needs foster Mom and will get the services she requires to address her apparent developmental problems. The Mom? She will continue to use until she's done and then hopefully, she will get help for herself. The help is there, she only has to ask.
August 11th '08
Inspiration People & Other Thoughts
I worked this week to keep myself calm at work, do my job and keep my mind out of politics. For the most part it worked.
On Friday I drove to Barstow for the start of year adjunct faculty meeting. It brought me back to a world that I love, that of teaching. I felt motivated and inspired by the time I left.
I went to the US Open Surfing competition the other weekend and got to meet Jessse Billauer a paraplegic surfer and the founder of the Life Rolls On charitable organization that works for disabled people and includes the "They Will Surf Again" days that enables paraplegics and other disabled people to surf with the help of professional surfers and lifeguards. Jesse is such a super guy and a great inspiration. He's right up there with Kyle Maynard and Christopher Reed. If you have never heard of either Jesse or Kyle I recommend you Google them. Trust me - after reading their stories your aches and pains will seem very minor.
I'm still working on getting my strength back - it's a lot slower than I anticipated but the challenge is good for me. I have a friend who's in training to climb Mt. Whitney - I'm her cheering team! We each climb our own mountains, what I have learned is - be grateful for the opportunity, and grab every opportunity that life offers.
August 23rd '08
The Fragility of Life
I have been pondering my future because I have an opportunity to take a job that I had not previously considered. It calls to me although I'm not sure why. I was given a new lease on life with my surgery earlier this year, and now I have a second opportunity to obtain another new lease on my working life. I think I will take it although many will be both saddened and frustrated by my choice, but I have learned that when opportunity reaches out, take it with both hands. It must have happened for a reason so who am I to ignore it?
Today I was reminded again how fragile life is. A friend of my partner's daughter lost her battle with heart disease - she was too young, it does not seem fair. Again I am reminded of the gift of life that I have, so I need to grasp it with both hands.
I have decided to try something that I have never done nor has ever appealed to me, and that is to go camping. I sold something on e-bay which covered my camping purchases, also purchased on e-bay. So we will go camping next month - should be interesting - watch this space!
Reigning Myself In
And so I find myself once more angry at the system for which I work instead of focusing on the task in hand and letting go of the things beyond my control. I get caught up in the mounting stress and frustration of those around me, and I allow it to infect me.
Again I need to real in my boundaries, return my focus to making my immediate surroundings conducive to calm, completing a day's work and allowing the dysfuntional dinosaur to go about it's business. It will do this whether I invest my emotions or not.
I need to return to my daily meditations, I need to exercise and I need to focus on what matters to me in my immediate world. It is going to take great strength of mind and character for me to continue on this path that I have set for myself, without destroying myself in the process.
August 3rd '08
Sadness & Relief
I saved a baby this week, it served to remind me why I do what I do.
The baby had suffered a broken collar bone when she fell from a bed where she had been left while the Mom went to do drugs. Usually the Mom would have been the person that I worked with in a never-ending attempt to turn one more life around - not this time.
That was the saddest baby I had seen in a long time. At one year old she wasn't yet crawling, she did not smile, she made no eye contact and did not respond to attempts to engage her. At least now I can let her out of my mind knowing that she is with a special needs foster Mom and will get the services she requires to address her apparent developmental problems. The Mom? She will continue to use until she's done and then hopefully, she will get help for herself. The help is there, she only has to ask.
August 11th '08
Inspiration People & Other Thoughts
I worked this week to keep myself calm at work, do my job and keep my mind out of politics. For the most part it worked.
On Friday I drove to Barstow for the start of year adjunct faculty meeting. It brought me back to a world that I love, that of teaching. I felt motivated and inspired by the time I left.
I went to the US Open Surfing competition the other weekend and got to meet Jessse Billauer a paraplegic surfer and the founder of the Life Rolls On charitable organization that works for disabled people and includes the "They Will Surf Again" days that enables paraplegics and other disabled people to surf with the help of professional surfers and lifeguards. Jesse is such a super guy and a great inspiration. He's right up there with Kyle Maynard and Christopher Reed. If you have never heard of either Jesse or Kyle I recommend you Google them. Trust me - after reading their stories your aches and pains will seem very minor.
I'm still working on getting my strength back - it's a lot slower than I anticipated but the challenge is good for me. I have a friend who's in training to climb Mt. Whitney - I'm her cheering team! We each climb our own mountains, what I have learned is - be grateful for the opportunity, and grab every opportunity that life offers.
August 23rd '08
The Fragility of Life
I have been pondering my future because I have an opportunity to take a job that I had not previously considered. It calls to me although I'm not sure why. I was given a new lease on life with my surgery earlier this year, and now I have a second opportunity to obtain another new lease on my working life. I think I will take it although many will be both saddened and frustrated by my choice, but I have learned that when opportunity reaches out, take it with both hands. It must have happened for a reason so who am I to ignore it?
Today I was reminded again how fragile life is. A friend of my partner's daughter lost her battle with heart disease - she was too young, it does not seem fair. Again I am reminded of the gift of life that I have, so I need to grasp it with both hands.
I have decided to try something that I have never done nor has ever appealed to me, and that is to go camping. I sold something on e-bay which covered my camping purchases, also purchased on e-bay. So we will go camping next month - should be interesting - watch this space!
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